What happens when you're baby sharing? No one else seems to catch on to the cues your child gives. Even grandparents often push the child to their extreme without understanding the repercussions of foregoing nap time. And Biological Donor? Definitely doesn't see the cues and even if he did, she wont nap at his place anyways.
Our legal custody agreement gives him 1 weekend a month. After my daughter was born, he moved with his new girlfriend to New York City, about three hours from where my daughter and I live. When she was 2 1/2, he decided to move back supposedly for easier visitation, but he also happened to be attending grad school here.
My husband and I decided to increase visitation to one day a week. We thought it would be better if there was a more frequent and consistent schedule for our little girl. At least she would stop asking when BD was coming to play.
This worked fine for a while. But he started getting irritated with her nap schedule. It was always changing and inconveniencing him.
Her third birthday came around and we were all snowed in for almost 2 weeks with double blizzards hitting back to back with only a couple of days in between. We moved her birthday plans to a post-blizzard Saturday. As he hadn't seen her for a while, we thought we should let him take her two days in a row. Friday night 4-8ish, Saturday morning 9-2.
His parents happen to live across the street from mine, where we were holding the party. So, he enlisted them to drive her home that afternoon.
2pm came, no arrival...
3pm, okay, we thought, he usually drops her at 3pm, perhaps he didn't read the time carefully enough.
3:30, my husband receives a text "we ran a little late saying goodbyes, my parents are heading over now."
I leave my house and head to my parents, 25 minutes away.
My husband calls, "he says his parents hit traffic."
"What traffic? The beltway was empty."
4:30: finally his mother arrives with my daughter. "So sorry, we hit terrible traffic on Rt. 40."
What an amazing coincidence, I was ON Rt. 40 when we received that message saying there was traffic. I must have just missed that terrible traffic. Rt. 40 was EMPTY.
Now I have an extremely tired little girl, who can go down for her nap now... but her party is at 6 and she needs 3 hours of sleep or she'll be tearful and miserable. I decide to put her down anyways. She sleeps until 7:30pm.
My husband and I are livid. Email sent. Response was laughable.
"If you would like to try and minimize delays like this in the future, maybe we can arrange to split the driving between pick ups and drop offs."
Let me get this straight. You cannot handle dropping her off on time and the only way it will happen is if WE PICK HER UP FOR YOU?
Email sent: Not our responsibility to ensure your visitation. TRY LEAVING EARLIER!
Response:"Furthermore, its is absolutely your responsibility to ensure my visitation. As the primary custodial parent, you are legally responsible for making [her] available for periodic visitation. Failing to do so would be in violation of our custody agreement."
Email sent: Making her available and driving her for you are not related. We have not only made her available as per the agreement, but added four days a month.
He finally let out what has been bothering him:
"This, however, is not the main issue. What is, though, is the fact that you are reluctant to recognize and respect me as [her] father. This is a big issue, and a complex one, but it has been festering for some time now. I believe it is time to talk about it. Our failure to stay on the same page about this will be emotionally and psychologically detrimental to [her] going forward, and that is not acceptable to me. Although I know your intentions are good, telling [her] what to think will not protect her. The fact of the matter is that she has two fathers. That is not a bad thing, and I don't think [her] should be taught to think so."
No, our intentions are sinister and evil. We hate you.
Let's overview the situation, just for funsies:
I got pregnant. You said "abortion or I'll never see or speak to you or that child ever again."
I said, "Alright, bye then."
No calls to check in throughout the pregnancy. Not a one. Well, there was one, where you wanted to scream at me about how the whole community knew what you did, you thought it was a "private" issue, my family didn't.
Fast forward to birth. I let you know she's here. You aren't interested. You're comment, "I heard she looks like me." Ugh.
Weeks pass, nothing. You show up at 6 weeks and want to see her, yay! I think, hey, maybe she'll have a dad after all. Not so much. Its weeks between visits. And you finally tell me you're moving to New York with your girlfriend. Oh well. Lot's of kids don't have dads, right? I was devastated at the thought of her not having a man in her life like my wonderful dad. It killed me.
So, I go back to school and meet my husband. We move in together and start raising my daughter together.
You, out of the blue and from three states away: SUE FOR CUSTODY? Then you proceed to lie about your current drug use despite a fabulous collection of your own emails dubiously describing your drug use and purchasing... even a funny little federal drug trafficking incident where you ordered illegal drugs OFF THE INTERNET and had them mailed to you in a CD case from the UK (again). Absolute parent material. (also a creepy little story you were working on for months about me... yeah, i read that too. it wasn't very good, no character descriptions... too hard for you? bring up too many feelings? weird how you made you current girlfriend read it everyday? saw that too. "im sick of hearing about her all the time, move on." That was awkward. Poor girl.) Now were getting to my favorite part of the story:
"I'm moving back to Maryland."
Great. Meanwhile, I am married and my daughter has a man she calls daddy already. Uh, we don't really need you, but thanks anyways.
So, as it stands, here's a little scenario that most resembles ours:
A couple wants to get pregnant and decides to use donor sperm from a friend. Pregnancy ensues, couple is thrilled. Sperm donor stops by a few times to visit the family and see the baby over the first year, 5x max. Baby is 1 year old, Sperm donor sues for joint legal custody. Baby is 2 1/2, Sperm Donor wants Baby to call him "daddy" and wants to be respected as her father.
Creepy beyond belief... only made creepier by how often you bath my daughter. You have her for FOUR HOURS, how dirty could she possibly get (although, judging from the bottoms of her socks you house is covered in filth), but seriously? Why do you need to see my child naked? Oh, oh, its all part of the ruse, the "Im a parent and parents give babies baths" ruse... pause while I gag.
Food for thought: When I first got pregnant, his mother and him insisted that an abortion is the best option. "Lot's of people have them and still get married later..." Married? Please. She called me mid-pregnancy to get together. I thought she wanted to poison me. I brought my own drink. She didn't, she wanted to discuss adoption. I told her I would let her know. Oh and P.S. You're son is a drug addict and he didn't even know I was taking birth control. So, he's an irresponsible drug addict too.
So, I didn't have the abortion. But adoption is the next best option right? I'm a big fan of adoption. A baby whose parents cannot care for her give her to two parents who can love and care for her. If I had decided to do this, Biological Donor would have had ZERO legal moves available to him to get her back. And he knew this. So, perfectly happy to have some STRANGERS caring for my daughter... but not me?
My family has plenty of money, no issues there, and I found her the most amazing father any little girl could ask for. The man will dress up with her, pretend to be a pony, drive her to the hospital in the snow at 2am, tell her he loves and every chance he gets... and loved her immediately, without question or judgement, no need to take his time. He just loved her. Not to mention, he loves her mother unconditionally. He offers support, affection, constant "thank yous" and "you can do it!" in and out of bed. I never thought it would happen, but I literally found the man of my dreams. (Karma) We are the happiest couple/family I know. Not to brag. We would be the perfect candidates for an adoption.
And here's the discovery of the century:
It's me. I am the only thing that makes this situation different than the other mentioned. You are caught in the same cycle you always were. You loved to hate me, but you hated it more to see me happy without you. You want to get as close to my family as possible. You literally have warm fuzzy feelings about hearing me call you "daddy." It probably turns you on. I bet your nights are torn with dreams of us together again.
I didn't think of this myself. My husband noticed all the little things you do when you see me. The smiling, the chit chat. I can hardly shut you up. Then you sent me that email to ask if I was married, you know, for tax purposes you needed to know... (I never responded, you still don't know, because its none of your business and would only make you more resolved to stick your huge nose in our family). My husbands an accountant and you did NOT need to know for tax purposes. Did you think we wouldn't know that?
And then there was that one day, a few weeks ago. When my husband dropped my daughter off at your parents to you and mentioned that he was heading out, but that I would be there for drop off. Little did you know, he decided to stay. I answered the door and I never saw you so happy. Your girlfriend was away for the weekend, you thought we were alone... you talked and talked, I tried to shut the door, it was snowing and freezing, "okay, well, we will see you tomorrow at 4 for pickup." "Oh..." you continue to talk. And then my husband, who was on the phone in another room comes in to save me. Your face was priceless. Shock and horror. Like you thought the police had all taken a day off, you go down to your favorite corner to buy a dime bag and right as you're taking the drugs off the dealer, an officer walks up behind you. Ah, perfection. That's the moment I realized my husband was right. I tried to run back through all the times I was alone when you picked her up.
Not sure why the creepy "book" you were writing about me didn't tell me that. It made me out to be a saint and you the evil villain. I was happy to see you were so realistic in your descriptions of our life.
OR the time your girlfriend asked you if you thought she was prettier than me and your response was a classic, "dont be so insecure, you don't really need me to stroke your ego like that do you." Ouch. The correct answer (even if you don't think so) will always be YES to any questions of that nature... for future reference.
Or the time you asked me if I was going to marry "him"? And I said, definitely. He's perfect. And you said, "really?" And I said, "what about your gf, think you'll marry her?" And you immediately vomited out the words "no way..." then paused, reflected, and added "I mean, I don't know, maybe when I'm in my 30's."
Oh, Oh, or that time, haha, she was trying to send you a sexy email and said "what do you want to do later, poop, peep or mouth?" And you said, haha, hold on, you said, "poop and mouth." Wow, that sounds so awesome. Très romantique! I didn't think it was possible, but you treat her worse than you treated me. Your own personal whore? Sweet deal! Poor girl.
So, I'm a little dense, but now its so blindingly obvious, just like in Clueless, when Cher realizes she's in love with her stepbrother, Josh... only, I'm realizing not that you are in love with me, but obsessed with being part of my life in someway. You are both insecure and immature, trying to impress me with your accomplishments by constantly bragging about your personal life, notice how we don't do that? You talk about your plans for the week, we say, "uh, so visitation does or does not work that day..." Every time I talk you look right at me, every time your girlfriend or my husband talks, you still look right at me.
What can we do about this problem. You want to be the daddy to my mommy. But I already have a daddy to my mommy, and I'm sticking with him. Were going to start trying for #2 in the fall... WE'RE HAPPY. Here are my immediate recommendations:
1. Go to the top of your building and toss yourself over. If that's too extreme,
2. Break up with your girlfriend and go find someone that makes you happy, not just someone that reminds you of me (yeah, I've noticed, were identical-- you know, except that I'm a 10 and she's 5) and doubles as a sex slave.
3. Move to a convent in Indian and find yourself.
4. Knock up your girlfriend. Then you will realize WHY we don't consider you a parent in any way shape or form. My daughter has grocery store clerks that see her more than you. Are they her parents too?
All of these options include the mandatory requirement of you ending you Parental Delusions of Grandeur and accepting your roll as Sperm Donor in my daughter's life and THANKING my husband for picking up your slack and cleaning up after your failures. Lucky you, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to ruin your life. You have clearly done that quite well all on your own.
YOU WILL NOT NOW nor will you EVER HEAR ME CALL YOU "DADDY." Pop the bubble, take a sip of reality. You're simply too late.
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